understanding

Disclaimer: I wrote this post over the course of three hours or so, but at the end of that didn't have a lot of energy left for going back over it, so hopefully it isn't too disjointed or nutty or anything else.

I feel the need to try and explain things a bit more. Why do I speak of sending Anya to school as impending doom? Where are my emotions with Evan and Nora in all of this? Why did we decide to homeschool in the first place and why might we consider it again?

Explaining our decision to homeschool is a difficult task. One I out-right refused to do last year on my blog because it was/is just too complicated and I felt defensive and didn't really want to go into it. But not even trying didn't give anyone the chance to understand more about our family. Some of you already know enough about homeschooling and/or us to know why we might be into such a non-traditional idea. Some of you may have been surprised and thought we were crazy. But I'm guessing most of you thought, "Huh, that's interesting. I wonder what prompted that?"

I can't really tell you when the first seeds of homeschool thinking were planted. Honestly, I could say that they may have begun years ago...decades perhaps. Not solid ideas about doing it, but just curiosity and thoughts. Both of my mom's brothers' families homeschooled for some period of time and I was always fascinated by the different ways of doing homeschooling, by the closeness of their families, by the non-awkward and completely social nature of my cousins, by the flexibility it afforded their families for travel and being together. How cool. How strange, but still...how cool.

As I did my own teaching in college and after graduating, I still saw the appeal of a different kind of education. Schools can be good. Schools can be filled with good people - good teachers and good children. Good teachers who may even be reading this blog. But there are also so many "bad" teachers out there. And kids can be mean. Boys and girls...at all ages...even really young ones. I couldn't imagine having my own children just yet, but still the idea of homeschooling intrigued me.

To really understand our path to homeschooling and why it is so difficult to send my children away you must really understand me and me as a mother. Being a mother is really one of the only things I have been completely confident about. Of course I still doubt myself and stumble and have moments where I'm not sure I'm good enough...that's human nature and it makes me better at my job. But from the very beginning, I have confidently trusted my mothering instincts unlike in any other area of my life before. I have taken my role as a mother very seriously and passionately. My children are my life. I am not ashamed of that. I want to be with my children. Almost always. Of course sometimes I need a break and probably don't often take them as often as I should. But taking a break doesn't always make me feel refreshed. It sometimes leaves me feeling disconnected and wanting to be home.

I love my children. Talking about all of this - parenting, homeschooling, love - is so hard to do without feeling like you're trying to say how much better you are than everyone else who makes different decisions than you. "Oh, you send your kids to public school? Well, I guess you must not love them as much as I love mine." Seriously, I am fearful of being perceived as judgmental just by being different. I am constantly saying to myself and sometimes to others, "I just want to do things because they feel right to me and my family. I'm not saying that by doing something different that I am superior." And so I shy away from explaining because to explain feels like judgment even when I don't intend it that way.

So, why was homeschooling a choice for our family and why might it be again in the future? Well, obviously one reason is because I love being with my children. I love experiencing them learn and being there for everything. Everything.

And our children love each other. Having three children so close in age is incredibly challenging. But these days, more often than not...it is worth it. They are so amazingly good with each other. I have felt this especially with the addition of Nora. She was the last to join the party, but she fits in like she has always been here. Anya and Evan adore her and of course they have their moments of being frustrated by her "messing things up," but they are as much of a part of her world as Steve and I are.

And so a lot of the sadness I feel when I think about this coming year is the smaller amount of time that we will all have together. Yes, I know this could have positive benefits, too. Evan and Nora will have more time just the two of them together. And Nora will even get some time alone with me while Evan is in preschool two mornings a week. And I will get some more time to think and breathe and "get stuff done." (At least that's the hope.) Blah, blah, blah...believe me, I know all the pros. But it will be a major change.

Deciding to homeschool was easy. Life just continued as normal. Honestly. I definitely felt more pressure to be teaching my kids things or providing them with certain types of experiences or knowledge. But really, I didn't do a whole lot to incorporate a whole lot of school into it. Which I guess makes me an unschooler (if you're keeping track).

Side note: If you seriously want to understand more about unschooling and and want to read a blog that I've been reading, go check out Skipping School. I have no idea what post will be at the top if you click on it, so it might not be the greatest example. The blog is written by a 25 year old woman who writes semi-obsessively about being homeschooled as a child and how it has shaped her life and continues to influence her as an adult. I find it fascinating and I love that she's quirky and weird and normal and boring and funny and self-aware and honest. Reading her blog makes me want to homeschool all of my children for all of their school years...she makes me feel that cool.

And then there are the scheduling logistics of school. I am a very routine oriented person. But not too much rigidity. Not too much scheduled or I feel unsettled and need to do less. And my kids seem to be turning out to have the same desires. They love knowing what to expect and when to expect it. But they love "doing nothing" - having no plans, just being at home or designing the day as we wish. So, getting Anya to school by 8:30 am every weekday and Evan to school by 9:00 am every Tuesday and Thursday and then picking Evan up by 12:00 pm those days and Anya up by 2:30 pm every day will be a stretch. Oh and then there's Nora...who still has to take a nap every afternoon. And did I mention that Anya sometimes sleeps until 9:00 am?! And me, what about me and my waking up gradually without an alarm clock? And Steve, he's going to have to get out of bed earlier, too. And what's that you say, we have to pack Anya's lunch every day?! And she can't bring peanut butter?! Seriously, I know we'll figure it out. We have to. I just hate the anticipation of it all. Thinking of all the variables and schedule juggling makes my head hurt. And don't even talk about how much my heart hurts. Unless you want me to start sobbing.

So, wait, why are we doing this? Why are we sending her to school if I'm so passionate about homeschooling and am so overwhelmed thinking about the coming year? My dear niece Dylan asked me the same question this week (without the bit about passion, etc.)? See, she is still going to be homeschooled this year. And Dylan is definitely one to notice and be intrigued by anything that isn't the same for someone else as it is for her. I know my little six-year-old niece wasn't saying, "But why are you sending Anya to school? Don't you love her as much as my mommy loves me and want to keep her home with you? Doesn't Anya want to be with you?" But I knew I still had to choose my words carefully. Dancing between confidently explaining our decision (for my daughter's listening ears especially), but not making it sound so obviously appealing (to validate Dylan's different experience). I basically said, "Well, the main reason is because Anya really, really wants to go." This is true. If Anya didn't really want to go to school, I am sure we wouldn't be doing it. She had a wonderful year of homeschooling and I am hopefully optimistic that she will have a wonderful year at University Primary this year. And as I told Dylan, "It is just something we decided to try for this year and see how it goes." Which is also true. A small commitment and we'll reevaluate next year. And as I rationalized it to my six-year-old niece and also to my six-year-old daughter (and to myself, if I'm being honest)...both decisions are valid and could make for a good and happy year. We've made our decision and we're sticking with it.

Tonight we had the parent orientation for Anya's school. Mostly it was just talking about logistics and rules and things to make the first day/week go smoothly. The only moment where I teared up was when the teacher talked about expecting our children to be tired/hungry/cranky, etc. when they come home from school in the beginning. I know this...it is one of the things I hate about school...what I hate about giving my children over to someone else for the morning/early afternoon...the happiest hours of the day at our house.

This week is our last week before Anya starts school. Thankfully, Evan does not start until two weeks after Anya, so we have time to get adjusted to her schedule before we add his changes into the equation. So far we have spent the week checking off a few things that we wanted to get a chance to do before school starts. We've had some home play time and some away play time...some errand running and some household chores. We've had moments where I want time to stand still and moments where I just want the week to be over so we can face the changes and end the anticipation.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, Anya's emotions about school are varied. I know she is really excited, but I also know that she is really not looking forward to being away from us (particularly me) for so long. Ever since we decided to send her to school (earlier in the summer), she has been clingy and weepy whenever I need to leave...especially when it is around bedtime. Today when I reminded her that Steve and I would be going to the orientation tonight and Grandma and Grandpa would be coming over for a couple hours and starting to put them to bed, she got grumpy and sad. I actually said, "Anya, how will you be when you have to go to school next week?" To which she replied, "Sad." I honestly don't know what to expect her to be like when she starts. If I had to guess, I would say that on the first day, she will be excited and anxious, but not sad. At least, that is what I am hoping. I know I will need to be strong and happy and encouraging. I honestly don't know how I will contain the tears and I can't imagine how I will make it through Monday morning. But somehow I will. I honestly think she will be fine. She usually is. Until she's not. But she's usually not okay at some other time when you can't directly pinpoint it to whatever change is upsetting her life. You just know that whatever trouble she is having in another area is probably caused by the change. Most people are like that, I guess.

I'm writing mostly about Anya here. Mostly because she is starting first and so we're focused on that right now. But also because she will be gone so much more than Evan. I have my own set of special concerns for sending Evan to school, but that will be saved for another post. My concerns for any of my children going to school are those of a lot of other parents. Will they fit in? Will the quirky parts of their personality be cause for ridicule? Will they keep their quirky parts or lose them to uniformity? What do I want for them? Will they have friends?

I worry that Anya will get made fun of for her unique fashion sense or for the fact that she doesn't watch "enough" TV/movies. I worry that she'll become less her. I don't like thinking of her being quiet for so many hours every day. One of the things I have felt criticism from others is regarding Anya's shy nature. Isn't keeping her out of school hindering her social development? I know every homeschooling family gets asked this question, but I think it is particularly hurtful to the families with more reserved children. Obviously, we all want the best for our children. But I don't think the best is always throwing then into a group and seeing who survives. I have seen Anya blossom and change over the last six years and in many situations she is anything but shy! I am so proud of her for being the tenacious girl she is. If she doesn't want to talk...she doesn't. And she's six, so that's okay in my opinion.

Which brings up another homeschooling reason...she's six and six year olds are meant to play. And kindergarten these days isn't for playing. It's sad to take tours of various schools and see the classrooms and listen to the teachers. The kids aren't kids anymore and that makes me extremely sad and frustrated. Why does everything have to keep happening earlier and earlier? One of the things I really love about the school Anya is going to is that the children are embraced and encouraged at whatever level they are at. I asked the teacher at University Primary on our original tour what she would expect from Anya coming from a homeschooling background. Her answer was, "Oh, we take every child where they're at and go from there." Yes! Exactly what I wanted to hear. Of course, that's what the public schools do in theory, too. They can't expect everyone coming in to be at the same place. But it is how they view those variances that makes the difference..as problems to be solved and equalized or just as differences to be embraced and celebrated. I am so happy that we have found (and can afford) a school that has such a refreshing approach to learning. They still are lacking in the "play" category, in my opinion, which again was one of my main reasons for not wanting Anya to go to Kindergarten there. It is a wonderful, nurturing environment, but still very academic.

One of the main things I hate to hear or feel from people regarding our decision to send Anya to school is "Oh, that will be so great for her." Well, yes, obviously it will be great for her or we wouldn't be doing it, right? What I really take issue with is the tone of the comment. It is the implication of "Oh, that's great that she'll finally be getting a normal experience and get to be with kids her own age and get to learn stuff." Seriously, that's the feeling I get. Like, "Gee, I'm glad Lara and Steve woke up and decided to be normal."

That's why we decided to homeschool. Because we didn't want to be normal. Lots of people send their kids to school, but it doesn't mean we had to. Just because it works out okay for other people doesn't mean we want to do it. And define "okay," anyhow. We just wanted something different for our family. The decision to homeschool was definitely more initiated by me, but it was/is completely a joint decision. I am obviously the one who thinks more about the daily ramifications because I am the one who is around and facilitating the changes during the day. But Steve is completely with me on all the bigger picture stuff. I can't imagine doing this on my own or being at odds with him on this decision.

I got through writing this post with surprisingly few tears. I needed to write this and I hope that if you've taken the time to actually read it that you understand a little bit more about what got us into homeschooling in the first place and why the changes this year will be difficult for us. Even with all my tears and my anxiety, I am still hopeful that eventually we will arrive at a routine that is comfortable for all of us this year. I'm definitely not expecting to love Anya being away, but I am determined to look for the positives amidst the change and chaos. And now I'm just ready to jump into next week so I can embrace it and work with it instead of just moping about it coming!