together

All day long I knew I wanted to write this post. I needed to write this post. But yet I didn't want to. I didn't want to dwell on the significance of the day. But I cannot escape the tears that have been flowing for the past two hours and here I am staying up late willing myself to write something.

Today was "Anya and mommy day." We have been planning on doing this for a long time. First just planning it as something fun to do. Then as the summer began, we added this to our list of things to do in the summer before school starts. There, I said it...school. I hate that word right now. I don't know if I feel completely up for writing a huge post about the significance of that word in our lives right now. Or of the impending doom I feel when I think about what school is going to do to our family...to my children...to me.

With only twelve days to go before Anya begins school, we managed to have our day together. I haven't exactly been putting it off on purpose. We've just been so busy this summer. Busy doing fun things. Busy trying to get the most out of our summer. Busy trying to not think about the fact that things are changing.

But last night we returned from camping, completing our travels for the summer. And so today we had planned to make time for "Anya and mommy day." With the help of Grandma Cindy, we dropped off a very excited Evan and Nora for some grandma time. Anya and I went to Za's for lunch where I marveled at the grown-up girl beside me. As a mother of three children, it is often very hard to feel like anyone is getting heard or really cared for in the way they deserve. It was lovely to just be all hers. To just be able to listen to her, to watch her, to appreciate her maturity, to be silent with her. Just to be. Just the two of us.

After lunch we went to The Pottery Place to paint our own pottery pieces. Anya and Dylan first did this with Grandma Cindy sometime last year and ever since we have been planning on me taking Anya back again sometime. Anya loves being an artist. She is so creative and passionate and serious about her art.

Here we are painting our pieces.







Anya chose a cupcake box and I chose a vase. When I wasn't quite finished, I let her paint a second piece. She chose a small plate. We can't wait to go back on Saturday to pick up our finished products.

The whole time we were there, I just kept stopping to appreciate how self-sufficient she was. She is amazing when she is creating. She has such strong ideas and yet is usually so adaptable when things don't look exactly like she envisioned. I have always loved watching her create things. And I love listening to her tell me about her thought process. It was so special to just sit beside her and paint and talk about what we were doing and compliment each other, but mostly just quietly work in parallel. She is so grown-up.

I really enjoyed our time today and honestly wasn't dwelling on the impending school changes ahead while we were together. But then tonight, she seemed to be having some trouble. She has been having off and on trouble since we all made the decision for her to go to school this fall. She never says it directly, but I know she is having a hard time thinking of all the changes she will face. I know she is really excited about going to school and I know she really wants to go. But I also know that she is trying to wrap her mind around the changes and sometimes it gets to her. She gets defiant, weepy, disrespectful, clingy, and emotional.

I get it. I get it all too well because my own heart is aching and I feel the weight of my emotions overwhelming me in unexpected ways. So tonight I held her a little tighter, I stayed by her side a little longer, I checked on her a few extra times, and I shed a few too many tears over my little girl. And now I'm tired and weepy, but ready to keep going...together.