Unavoidable disappointment

Warning - this is long. I just had to get it all off my chest. Life isn't really all that bad, we just had a bad day...

Today has been a rough day so far. We met up with our playgroup this morning for some backyard fun at one of the houses. The setting was beautiful and perfect…shady trees with chairs and blankets for the moms and babies to relax and a toddler paradise – sandbox, swing-set, pool, various toys, and an endless supply of watermelon. What’s disappointing about that, right?

Anya always gets excited about going to playgroup, but lately she has been going through a really rough time and will not leave my side the whole time. She just wants to sit and constantly eat crackers. I’m not kidding. She has eaten a whole bag of crackers at each playgroup for several months now. I am not sure where this sudden extreme shyness and unwillingness to play comes from. It is also frustrating because by the time Anya gets warmed up to being at playgroup (if she ever does) and finally starts playing, it is time to go. Last week was a big breakthrough for Anya. She actually played on her own for a good portion of the time and we only had one meltdown over her cracker consumption. I think it helped that when we first got there Evan was content in his carseat and I helped Anya find a stroller and a baby to start playing with.

So, this week I made sure to put sunscreen on everyone at home so that we would not waste time doing this once we arrived. And I had been prepping Anya by talking about how there would be a pool and sandbox and lots of fun things to do outside. I arrived right on time, knowing that would mean I would get there before everyone else. (We’ve all started showing up about 15 minutes “late” now that we are each toting around two kids.) I took the opportunity to get Anya’s swimsuit on and take her on a walking tour of the backyard, pointing out all the fun things to do. She seemed genuinely interested in playing. But then everyone else arrived and the watermelon was brought out and Anya immediately wanted something to eat. Of course, she would not touch watermelon, so I brought out the graham crackers I had stashed in our swim bag for just these occasions. I feel bad having to bring out another snack because I don’t want the hosts to feel bad that Anya isn’t eating what they prepared. But these summer months have been hard because people usually just have some yummy fruit out for all to share. Since there isn’t a single fruit Anya will eat, she always wants something else. So, I usually have something in the cracker family along and have learned to bring a lot because once the other kids notice what she is eating, they want some, too. It has definitely taught Anya about sharing, but I feel bad giving the message that whatever the host prepared isn’t good enough.

Whenever I could convince Anya to put down the crackers and go play, she always ended up with some problem. First she wanted to load up this huge dump truck with golf balls. As soon as she had it loaded, another girl came and tried to push it away from Anya. Anya held on tight to the truck and cried out, “I want it, I want it!” The other mom didn’t see the interaction, so I went over and tried to negotiate, but eventually ended up turning over the truck to the other girl and telling Anya she could have a turn once the girl was done. I tried to get Anya interested in something else, but she kept her eye on the balls in the truck and was horrified when the girl began to chuck them into the swimming pool. “The balls! Take them out!” Anya cried over and over. I tried to get her to go in the pool (flying golf balls aside) so that she could collect them all, but she wouldn’t go for it. And once the girl stopped playing with the truck and balls, Anya’s interest in the toy was shattered and she went back to our blanket to eat more crackers.

Anya and I were sharing a glass of water and this was also the time when the chair got bumped and the glass of water tipped off and spilled onto the ground. Anya was upset and did not like my answer that we would leave the ice on the grass to melt. At this point, I was also trying to feed Evan, so one of the other moms went and got us another glass of ice water to try to make things better for Anya. She continued to eat cracker after cracker and the kids were starting to notice that she had a stash, so we were serving them up to the others. Eventually, I was able to convince Anya to finish her current cracker and then go find something to play with.

She spotted an unattended spray bottle that the other kids were previously spraying water out of. She took off to go claim it and it was snatched up by someone else before she could get there. I told her she could have a turn when the other kid was done, but she wasn’t happy…probably because she knew he might never be done with it and she probably wouldn’t get a turn after all. So, I came up with another idea. They had sponges and a bowl out for the kids to play with and pretend to clean things. So, I told her to go fill up the bucket with water from the pool and wash off the table. This was such an Anya-friendly activity, so I knew she would be interested. But she went to grab the metal bowl and it had been sitting out in the sun, so it was “too hot” for her. I picked up the warm bowl and told her that filling it up with cold water from the pool would cool it off. I filled it up and sat it down on the table. Just as Anya was posed to dip her sponge in the bowl, another little girl came up and dumped out the entire bowl of water on the table. Anya just looked incredulous that this had happened. I tried to convince Anya that she could just clean with the puddle now on the table, but she didn’t go for it. I told her she could go fill up the bowl again, but the girl took off running with the bowl to do it herself. Her mom said, “She’ll bring you back some more water!” She did bring it back, but proceeded to dump out the bowl again. I told Anya I would find another container for her to put some water in and the mom realized that her daughter was “messing up” Anya’s plans for the water and stopped her from dumping the next bowl on the table. Anya did manage to play with the sponges for a while, but I think she was constantly living in fear that somebody was going to come up and dump out her water again.

She eventually came back for more crackers and ate those for a while until she spotted a doll stroller that nobody was playing with. This could have been a great choice, but seconds earlier, another little girl was playing with it when a second little girl came and tried to take it away from her. The girl who had it originally started screaming and her mom had just taken her aside to talk to her and calm her down, so I didn’t want to make things worse by letting Anya go and take the stroller while the girl was away and create another conflict. So, I told her that she could wait and have her turn in a little bit. However, the calming down of the first little girl took a while and by the time she returned the second little girl has possession of the stroller. So much for that idea!

Another mom sitting next to us tried to engage Anya by giving her some toys to take to her son who was in the swimming pool. Anya brought him his watering can and he didn’t realize she was bringing it to him and instead put a golf ball inside it. Oh no, I thought, don’t bring up those golf balls again! Another kid eventually took the watering can from Anya, but she didn’t seem to mind because she headed back to the mom for more toys. She kept taking the toys back to the boy who clearly wasn’t interested in receiving them. I convinced her to just set them in the pool and he would play with them when he was ready, but she was obviously insulted that he hadn’t appreciated her help. Back for more crackers. While sitting in our chair with the crackers, Anya tipped the chair a bit and the second glass of ice water spilled all over her! I don’t think we were meant to drink it.

A while later I noticed that nobody was playing with the stroller and hadn’t been for quite some time, so I suggested to Anya that she go and play with it. She said she wanted a baby to go inside it, so I went to get a doll off the porch and told her to go get the stroller. Well, one of the girls from the previous stroller conflict saw Anya coming and ran over and snatched up the stroller before Anya could get her hands on it. I arrived with the doll and explained that Anya had been walking over to get the stroller and asked the girl if Anya could have a turn with it. The girl’s mom saw this happen and convinced the girl to play with the stroller for “one more minute” and then it would be Anya’s turn. The girl stretched this time out and eventually got to take it on “one more time around the swing-set” before relinquishing it. Meanwhile, Anya was standing by clutching the baby, whining, “I want it! I want it!” When it was finally her turn, the girl tried to switch and take the doll from Anya, but her mom pried it away from her and gave it back to Anya.

Finally, Anya was content. She had her baby and her stroller and was happily pushing it around the yard. But not for long. A little boy came up and kept flipping the top of the stroller down on top of the baby and Anya kept putting it back up and saying, “No!” He eventually left her alone, but then came back a minute later with the spray bottle. He took off the sprayer and dumped soapy water all over the baby. I did point this out to the boy’s mom and she was able to stop him, but not until after he had dumped a second bottle on the baby. I helped Anya dry the baby off with a towel and had to regretfully inform her that it was almost time to go. “No, I want to play with this!” I felt horrible because she had actually successfully found something she wanted to play with and was doing it without my help, but we really did have to go soon because we had an appointment to get her haircut after playgroup. I let her play until the last possible second and then packed up and headed out.

This was all so disappointing because Anya was actually trying really hard to play compared to the last few months, but things just kept not working out for her. I went back and forth thinking, she needs to learn that this is part of playing with other people and will have to learn how to get through these conflicts, but on the other hand thinking, why can’t things just work out for her? She’s actually trying and these experiences probably aren’t very encouraging for her.

Well, our day didn’t end here. We left playgroup and drove to the hair salon. I was so happy when we got there because Evan was asleep. I had purposely scheduled the appointment for right after playgroup because I knew that I could feed him before we left their house and that he would probably just sleep through the whole haircut. I parked in a shady spot and got out my sling and put Evan in it so I didn’t have to lug a huge carseat in with us. We got inside and walked up to the desk and the woman checking people in said, “We ask that for the safety and comfort of everyone that all children without appointments be left at home. Can I reschedule your appointment?” I thought at first that she thought the appointment was for me and that she was referring to Anya. They had originally mis-scheduled this as an adult haircut instead of a child haircut. But then I realized she was talking about Evan. I said, “You mean because of him?” And she said, “yes.” I said, “Even though he’s a baby and he’s asleep?” She said, “Yes, that’s our policy.” I told her that I had not known that and that I brought him to Anya’s previous haircut appointment and nobody had said a word about it then. She said, “Somebody should have told you,” and again asked if she could reschedule us. I was just in shock and said, “Absolutely not!” and turned and walked out the door. Anya started crying on our way out, saying, “I want to get my haircut!” I tried to comfort her and explained that they wouldn’t let us stay because Evan was with us. I knew it didn’t make sense to her, but I didn’t know what else to say but the truth.

I felt like somebody had punched me. I was just so mad. Going anywhere with two kids isn’t easy and I was hot and tired from our morning in the sun and had been so excited that my planning had worked out well and Evan was asleep. And here we were being turned away. And not only that, I was so mad, I knew immediately that I could never go back there. I knew that was really only hurting myself because now I would have to find another place to go for both Anya and my own haircuts. I know the salon has a right to have that kind of policy. I understand that they want to create a special, relaxing kind of environment and having disruptive kids around would ruin that. I had even seen something referring to this policy posted on a previous appointment for myself (with no kids). And I wasn’t trying to break the rules or think that they didn’t apply to me. However, I just felt so thrown off guard because I had brought Evan before and nobody had said a word about it. They didn’t say anything about it when I checked in last time. The hairstylist didn’t say anything to me. They didn’t say anything when I checked out and paid at the end. They didn’t say anything when I called to schedule her next appointment. They didn’t say anything when they called yesterday to remind us of her appointment. Nothing. I was just so incredibly disappointed and couldn’t stop from crying a few tears when we got back to the car. This upset Anya too, but I couldn’t help it.

Anya then started whining about how she was hungry and I told her that we would go home and get some lunch. She said, “No, go get something at a restaurant!” This has actually happened a couple of times lately. The first time she said it, it was cute, but we can’t do it every time she asks. But I knew that after what had just happened I didn’t feel like going home and cooking something, so I said we would go pick something up and take it home to eat. She said, “No! Let’s eat in the car.” Again, I don’t always give in to her requests, but at this moment I didn’t care. So, I said we would go to the only place I know of where you are supposed to eat in your car – Sonic Drive-Up. Anya was awake when we ordered the food, but by the time it arrived, she was fast asleep. I even tried to wake her up to eat, but she was too out of it. We got home and of course, she woke up then and was upset that she had wanted to eat in the car and didn’t understand why that hadn’t happened. I convinced her that eating in the garage would be a good enough substitute, so we did that instead.

She has now been in her room for an hour, supposedly taking a nap, although I can still hear her chattering away to herself on the baby monitor. Oh well, at least it has given me a break and given me a chance to write this outrageously long blog post. And she might still fall asleep if I leave her in there long enough.