WARNING: Having a baby is hard
I don't mean the labor and delivery. I mean the part that happens after you hold that squirming little thing for the first time. It's hard.
Maybe you don't think so. If you've had a baby, maybe you are somebody who thought the first few months of being a parent was beautiful and easy. Maybe you even thought it was hard work. Or maybe you just forgot how hard it was.
But let me tell you the truth. It's hard.
Before you go calling a therapist for me...this isn't postpartum depression talking. There is something in between those crazy people mentioned above who love every moment with their newborns and those rare people who go and do terrible things to their children because they can't take it. I think that in between is where most people are, but nobody talks about it enough. There are all these parenting books out there telling you how and when to do everything. But there really needs to be a whole other category telling you how to survive the first three days, the first three weeks, and the first three months.
Why am I writing this now? Partially, it has taken two months for me to find the time to write about it. And partially because I have been talking to several friends lately about the emotional first days with a new baby at home and I finally felt like writing about it. This post is likely to be kind of disjointed and long, so beware.
Here's the other truth - not everyone loves their babies right at first. Yes, some people do. If you're one of them, good for you, really, I'm happy you people exist. But I'm not one of them. I know some of you have heard this before, but I did not love Anya when she was first born. I loved the idea of her. I loved the promise of having a family. I loved that Steve and I had created something together. I loved the fact that I had grown a human being inside of me. I loved that I had successfully given birth to this human. But did I love it? No.
Maybe you find that hard to believe, but it's true. In the long term relationship of parent and child, this time did not last long and I think that's why people don't talk about it or even remember how hard it really was. They might remember a general sense of the first weeks and months being hard, but they don't necessarily remember the feelings of despair that go through you as you try for hours to comfort your screaming baby, the resentment at having your whole life turned upside down, or just the simple annoyances of not being able to check your email, get a drink, go the bathroom or watch TV.
I'm not writing this so you feel sorry for me or so you worry about how I'm doing. I just don't want to give the false impression that everything is or had been fine. I've heard from several of you that we seem to have it all figured out or that we're dealing amazingly well. We're not. Don't get me wrong...when you put it in perspective, yes, I'm still getting up every morning. Yes, I'm still showering on most days. No, I am not crying all the time. Yes, I have managed to not do anything horrible to my children. But again...there is this middle ground between psychosis and bliss...and we're there.
I can distinctly remember when Anya was three months old that I could finally say that I liked/loved her for who she was and not just for what she represented. But three months is a long time. It is a lot of long hours and hard nights. It is hundreds of load of laundry and a whole truck load of dirty diapers. It is lots of crying. It is hard.
With Evan it is somewhat the same. Although this time I have some added feelings. This time it is easier because I already know how to be a mom. I already know how it feels to have someone love you so completely and depend on you so much. I know this because of Anya and I don't have to relearn my identity as a mother. However, I also have to deal with the reality that I am no longer able to be the same mother I have been with Anya. I can't do as much for her as I used to and I can't help resenting Evan for being so demanding and taking my energy away from Anya. Whether or not Anya appears to make the connection to Evan or not, I know what is happening. And on the other hand, I feel bad for Evan because I can't be as attentive to him as I was to Anya in the early days.
I am able to love Evan a little more than I could with Anya at first because I know how this will turn out. I know that I will be overcome with love for him and not be able to take my eyes off of him. I know that he will love me and depend on me and make me incredibly happy. I know this because I have experienced this before with Anya and I am excited to do it all again with Evan. It makes me confident that there is an end in sight, but it doesn't make these first hard stages go away.
And Evan is getting easier to love. The more responsive he is to people, the more I feel connected to him. The more he smiles and looks around, the more I feel like dealing with him when he's upset. I look forward to seeing his personality emerge and I can't wait to watch his relationship with Anya. I love him because of who he will be and how I will feel, but for now...it's hard.
Maybe you don't think so. If you've had a baby, maybe you are somebody who thought the first few months of being a parent was beautiful and easy. Maybe you even thought it was hard work. Or maybe you just forgot how hard it was.
But let me tell you the truth. It's hard.
Before you go calling a therapist for me...this isn't postpartum depression talking. There is something in between those crazy people mentioned above who love every moment with their newborns and those rare people who go and do terrible things to their children because they can't take it. I think that in between is where most people are, but nobody talks about it enough. There are all these parenting books out there telling you how and when to do everything. But there really needs to be a whole other category telling you how to survive the first three days, the first three weeks, and the first three months.
Why am I writing this now? Partially, it has taken two months for me to find the time to write about it. And partially because I have been talking to several friends lately about the emotional first days with a new baby at home and I finally felt like writing about it. This post is likely to be kind of disjointed and long, so beware.
Here's the other truth - not everyone loves their babies right at first. Yes, some people do. If you're one of them, good for you, really, I'm happy you people exist. But I'm not one of them. I know some of you have heard this before, but I did not love Anya when she was first born. I loved the idea of her. I loved the promise of having a family. I loved that Steve and I had created something together. I loved the fact that I had grown a human being inside of me. I loved that I had successfully given birth to this human. But did I love it? No.
Maybe you find that hard to believe, but it's true. In the long term relationship of parent and child, this time did not last long and I think that's why people don't talk about it or even remember how hard it really was. They might remember a general sense of the first weeks and months being hard, but they don't necessarily remember the feelings of despair that go through you as you try for hours to comfort your screaming baby, the resentment at having your whole life turned upside down, or just the simple annoyances of not being able to check your email, get a drink, go the bathroom or watch TV.
I'm not writing this so you feel sorry for me or so you worry about how I'm doing. I just don't want to give the false impression that everything is or had been fine. I've heard from several of you that we seem to have it all figured out or that we're dealing amazingly well. We're not. Don't get me wrong...when you put it in perspective, yes, I'm still getting up every morning. Yes, I'm still showering on most days. No, I am not crying all the time. Yes, I have managed to not do anything horrible to my children. But again...there is this middle ground between psychosis and bliss...and we're there.
I can distinctly remember when Anya was three months old that I could finally say that I liked/loved her for who she was and not just for what she represented. But three months is a long time. It is a lot of long hours and hard nights. It is hundreds of load of laundry and a whole truck load of dirty diapers. It is lots of crying. It is hard.
With Evan it is somewhat the same. Although this time I have some added feelings. This time it is easier because I already know how to be a mom. I already know how it feels to have someone love you so completely and depend on you so much. I know this because of Anya and I don't have to relearn my identity as a mother. However, I also have to deal with the reality that I am no longer able to be the same mother I have been with Anya. I can't do as much for her as I used to and I can't help resenting Evan for being so demanding and taking my energy away from Anya. Whether or not Anya appears to make the connection to Evan or not, I know what is happening. And on the other hand, I feel bad for Evan because I can't be as attentive to him as I was to Anya in the early days.
I am able to love Evan a little more than I could with Anya at first because I know how this will turn out. I know that I will be overcome with love for him and not be able to take my eyes off of him. I know that he will love me and depend on me and make me incredibly happy. I know this because I have experienced this before with Anya and I am excited to do it all again with Evan. It makes me confident that there is an end in sight, but it doesn't make these first hard stages go away.
And Evan is getting easier to love. The more responsive he is to people, the more I feel connected to him. The more he smiles and looks around, the more I feel like dealing with him when he's upset. I look forward to seeing his personality emerge and I can't wait to watch his relationship with Anya. I love him because of who he will be and how I will feel, but for now...it's hard.
posted by Lara at 9:43 PM
3 Comments:
Gosh Lara, what an insightful e-mail. Its very interesting hearing what it is like to be in your shoes right now. Thanks for being so honest with us. You are right. People always paint a picture of peaches and cream with a new baby. I am glad the end is in site.
You are our patch trailblazer. I am mentally sending you more sleep, free time, and maybe a few monster cookies. :-)
If you ever need a break/hand, seriously call us. But you are right somedays all you are trying to do is survive.
Amen - it IS hard! And hard in different ways than I thought - ie I expected the sleep to stink, but not the daily emotional breakdowns!
Beautifully written! It's a little scary to hear that it's still so hard at 2 months - but I am glad you remember and have the confidence still that it will get better! Makes me have more confidence!!
BTW- we ended up buying a cosleeper sidecar yesterday - everyone slept so much better last night - 3 hours at a time (between officially getting up, that is, not between rubbing backs and whispering back to sleep sessions)
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