Trying to explain

First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone for the fun and supportive comments I received after reading our news. It was definitely what I needed and it felt great.

I feel the need to explain my initial disappointment about having a boy, but I have really been struggling with how to explain it without sounding completely selfish and shallow. Or just plain ridiculous. But I encouraged Steve to explain how he was feeling and I'm glad that he did, so I feel like I should do it too. However, my reasons are different.

I have always pictured myself having girls.
I am a girl. I am a daughter. I have a sister.
I understand girls. I get girl problems.
I even kind of like girl drama.
It is comfortable and familiar to have a girl.

Of course, there's the typical worries about having a girl, particularly a teenage girl. And I have those too. In some ways, maybe I should feel more like Steve does, in that I should remember the horrible ways girls can be mean to each other and be terrified to have my daughter experience that too. But for me, even if that happens, I still get it. It's still a part of being a girl that I can relate to.

It's too simple to say that I just don't get boys. That just kind of feels silly. But I know what it is like to be a part of a mother-daughter relationship and I love having a sister. So, when I think about being part of a mother-son relationship or that Anya will have a brother, I don't know how to think of it. I don't know what that means. It's not that I think those relationships are anything less than what I've had, it's just that I don't know how they work.

And right now what I want is what is comfortable. I want what I've had myself.

I remind myself that just because Anya is my daughter doesn't guarantee that she will have the same kind of relationships that I have had. I'm sure she will love having a brother. And I'm sure I will love having a son. But right now it just feels so strange.

I think yesterday I realized that maybe part of what I am feeling is a sense of loss over not having another Anya. We love Anya so incredibly much and having her is what makes us want to be parents to another child. And as much as I can say that I want my children to be independent people with their own personalities, what I want right now is another Anya. But I don't need another Anya. I already have her and she's mine.

But it's hard when she is growing up so fast before my eyes. I think it feels somehow like she's suddenly older because I am thinking about all the things I will never experience again with her. And maybe thinking about having another girl made it seem like it didn't all have to end. Again, this is crazy when you think about it rationally. But for today, I'm not. I'm thinking about it as an emotional, sappy, pregnant woman.

I absolutely love the stage Anya is in right now. And almost everything about her life so far has not been wonderful because of her gender, so why should I feel differently about the process with a boy? I really can't explain it.

I think this has also made me think about how this is really happening. We are really having another baby and Anya won't be the complete center of our lives by herself. It makes me realize how much I want to cherish this time I have with just her. I know she will eventually love having a sibling, but I'm afraid of what it might feel like for her at first. And I'm afraid of my feeling toward the new baby, regardless of sex, when he will be taking away my attention from Anya. I'm sure this is probably a normal reaction, part of wondering how could you possibly love another child as much as you love your existing child. And people say they do...they couldn't imagine life without their other children. And on most levels, I am sure that will be true for me. But I am actually anticipating that I won't feel that way at first.

Some of you read my writing about Anya's birth two years ago and I honestly wrote that I did not love her at first. I loved the idea of her, but I didn't know how to love her. And I imagine I will feel similarly the second time around. I am just glad that we found out early that we are having a boy and I will have some time to adjust to that idea and I won't be dealing with these emotions at the time of his birth.

I hope I explained this all in a way that doesn't make me seem completely shallow and crazy. I am not ashamed of how I feel. I can't hide who I am and what makes me feel this way. And at the same time as I'm not telling everyone I know about these feelings, but I felt like it was important to share them with you. Thanks for reading.