calm
Rewind to the end of last year or the very beginning of this year and you'd find a calm, unstressed mom enjoying her children and seriously pondering the idea of homeschooling. This was back when having three kids wasn't too hard (yet) and we had just begun to talk seriously about Steve looking for a job in the Midwest. But then came the drama of Steve's job possibility - the devastation of the doors closing on what seemed like the perfect job and then the whirlwind of the job becoming a reality and the huge feat we went through to sell our house, pack up and move to Illinois with our three kids.
And in the middle of all of that, life with three kids was already getting more challenging, Evan was going through some rough times and we were trying to come up with the perfect (or as close as we could get) kindergarten for Anya...twice. First we went through the whole process in CO and then we had to turn around and explore all our new options once we moved to IL. And it wasn't just school where we were faced with new options. It was everything. It feels like we've had to start our lives completely over. And it seems like nobody understands that. Sure, we moved back to a place I once lived...fourteen years ago. A lot has changed in this place and in me in the last eighteen years. And to be honest, I have felt really lost. I still believe that in the long term this is a wonderful thing for our family, but I have had a hard adjustment phase. It has been too much change and figuring out details (big ones like where to live and where to send your daughter to kindergarten, medium ones like where to buy your groceries and even simple details like how to load a new dishwasher). It has meant change in every relationship in my life. I have felt challenged to juggle my roles as mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, citizen of the world. And there are days when I feel like I'm not doing any of them right.
This blog post brings to mind so many posts unwritten in this space. Posts I'd write in my head as my way of dealing with everything going on in the past eight months. And while I've enjoyed using this space as a way for dealing with the hundreds of photos I take, I have missed my writing. I have missed my way of stepping back and dealing with my feelings. My blog has also changed. I have invited new readers and so have you. And it is hard for me to have that loss of intimacy that I once had when I began. It is hard to not know who is reading, who is judging, who is sharing. And I could write this and just keep it to myself, I suppose. But there's also something that feels good and healing about sharing it here. Even though it's more than I would probably care for some of you to know about me.
Anyhow, I'm not sure where I saw this particular post going when I began. I titled it "calm" because that's a feeling I've been clinging to for a while now. I remember feeling calm months ago and I have longed to feel that again. And just this week, I think I've got some of it back.
And in the middle of all of that, life with three kids was already getting more challenging, Evan was going through some rough times and we were trying to come up with the perfect (or as close as we could get) kindergarten for Anya...twice. First we went through the whole process in CO and then we had to turn around and explore all our new options once we moved to IL. And it wasn't just school where we were faced with new options. It was everything. It feels like we've had to start our lives completely over. And it seems like nobody understands that. Sure, we moved back to a place I once lived...fourteen years ago. A lot has changed in this place and in me in the last eighteen years. And to be honest, I have felt really lost. I still believe that in the long term this is a wonderful thing for our family, but I have had a hard adjustment phase. It has been too much change and figuring out details (big ones like where to live and where to send your daughter to kindergarten, medium ones like where to buy your groceries and even simple details like how to load a new dishwasher). It has meant change in every relationship in my life. I have felt challenged to juggle my roles as mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, citizen of the world. And there are days when I feel like I'm not doing any of them right.
This blog post brings to mind so many posts unwritten in this space. Posts I'd write in my head as my way of dealing with everything going on in the past eight months. And while I've enjoyed using this space as a way for dealing with the hundreds of photos I take, I have missed my writing. I have missed my way of stepping back and dealing with my feelings. My blog has also changed. I have invited new readers and so have you. And it is hard for me to have that loss of intimacy that I once had when I began. It is hard to not know who is reading, who is judging, who is sharing. And I could write this and just keep it to myself, I suppose. But there's also something that feels good and healing about sharing it here. Even though it's more than I would probably care for some of you to know about me.
Anyhow, I'm not sure where I saw this particular post going when I began. I titled it "calm" because that's a feeling I've been clinging to for a while now. I remember feeling calm months ago and I have longed to feel that again. And just this week, I think I've got some of it back.
posted by Lara at 1:03 PM
6 Comments:
Sending you so many hugs and so much love and calm. And you in pajama pants with glasses on (that is the picture I have when I imagine you relaxing. :))
Glad you are in a good place & sorry you are not still here.
Lara, thank you so much for this entry! I've missed your writing, and I value these insights into Lara. Best wishes on navigating this transition.
Hang in there, you will get it back-or at least a new calm. Love you!
I agree with Mark G! I've really missed you!!! I've been sad that we haven't been able to talk much lately (but this post explains a bit more on maybe why that has been so hard!), so I really appreciate getting a little glimpse into your emotional life to go with the beautiful pictures you have been sharing of your daily happenings.
Here's to hoping that the calm feeling becomes more and more permanent every day!
Many, many hugs. Know that you are doing a great job at being a sister! :) And I'm so glad you wrote again too. Keep it up!
Very thoughtful post, Lara. I can only imagine what you are going through and hope that all of the decisions you have made, from where to grocery shop to Anya's kindergarten, have brought you closer to the calm you want and need. You know that you always have my ear if you need it!
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